Stuck In A Loop#

I realized a long time ago my life can easily be thought of as a loop. And maybe being in a loop isn’t always a bad thing, It can establish order. A person with good habits can built quite a efficient loop. The thing is, my loop is quite fucked to be quite honest.

1. I randomly have a spurt of inspiration, and it’s amazing! I have hope, I start new projects, I start doing things I’m passionate about, and I also check in on my responsibilities more often than usual.
2. A roadblock or negative situation occurs.
3. I play games to nullify my thoughts, and sleep, and play, and sleep. 🔄

It’s not a good loop. This works as a kid, because you don’t really have much else to worry about. You still gotta go to school the next day, and life will force you on track eventually. But I’m not a kid anymore, and life only tries to derail you when you get out of highschool.

Anyways long story short, I’m making this because I got my first interview recently and I didn’t get picked, and even though that was awhile ago now, I’m realizing that I’m still in step 3 of the loop at the moment. I had inspiration, got an actual interview with a real person after so long, I was so motivated. I looked real nice, even did pretty good in the interview as well. I was ready to make this dudes business my number one priority. And then I get a call… “We decided to go in a different direction.” And then the final stage of the loop starts. I play games, and I sleep, and I play games, and I sleep. 🔄

It’s funny almost, how ready I am to jump at any opportunity that stands out, literally anything. And I get avoided and spit on. I just feel like a worm groveling in the dirt, so much opportunity around me and I don’t know how to dig into it.

I will say that someone who shall not be named, really want’s me to do hustles, and gigs etc. They tell me about how jobs will work you like a dog for years and **kick you out in the dirt for no reason. But I don’t want gigs. I don’t wanna “hustle” I just wanna wake up and have somewhere to go that isn’t my desk chair. I wanna get out of this shell & cave I’ve been living in and get a real, consistent, job. Something where I don’t have to worry when i’m gonna find my next “client”, or worry if it’s a “slow day” or not. But maybe i’m just thinking of it wrong, I don’t know.

The point is, I wanna get back to step one of my loop and then I wanna break it in half. Because whatever loop I’m stuck in isn’t right, the loop I currently have is one of inaction. There isn’t a day I go to bed feeling particularly accomplished or ashamed. I’m just living, but I’m not living. I talk to the same people everyday, I do the same thing everyday, & I don’t take care of myself like I should either. And honestly? It’s because I have a low self worth. I don’t value myself enough to even attempt taking care of me or my own responsibilities, more often than not I do things for me because people ask me to, or expect that of me, and not because I actually want to. And that’s pretty sad, considering that without me, there is no “living” and at the end of the day I want to live and have it feel like I’m actually living.

I just don’t know how to get my brain to do what I want it to I guess, and I’m no different than anyone else in that regard. I’m just so tired and I feel like I haven’t even done anything yet. I need to break my loop, and reach the better me. I need to somehow get in touch with myself instead of reaching for quick and easy gratification. All this short term happiness I’m going for when in reality my goal is far beyond the short term happiness I keep grabbing, if I just reached a little further, maybe I could get it. And that’s a chance I wanna take. But it’s just so hard to do it when I take that chance, and I get absolutely shit on. To tell myself to do it again is near impossible, when I just got punished from doing it. And then theres the short term gratification I can always reach for, always welcoming me. But it’s a lie, A fake wall that leads to disappointment every. single. time. This is one of those rare situations where you get slapped for doing something good, and you just gotta do it again, and again, and again. No matter how many times it takes. Until you reach the end of the disappointment, and find success. I hope I can find that success one day, and I hope you can too.

It’s currently 4AM, I’m gonna clean my room and do something productive idk. Thanks for reading.